


Fade-Fallen

by spooniefulofsugar



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Rating for Eventual Explicit Content, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Multiple, Trespasser Spoilers!, memories of rape/non-con, sleep paralysis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-04-28 14:56:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5094905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spooniefulofsugar/pseuds/spooniefulofsugar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Be still, my solavellan-beating heart. </p><p>Following the details behind the scenes of Solas and Ellana's relationship. Solas is conflicted about his relationship with Ellana, whilst Ellana continuously coaxes him further out of his shell. But what is Ellana hiding when it comes to the bedroom? And what happened to Dorian's moustache?</p><p> </p><p>My headcanon as to what takes place behind the scenes of the solavellan relationship. Mainly fluff, but of course with some inevitable solavellan angst. Will have trespasser spoilers, though it will move past the trespasser ending slightly. </p><p>I will endeavour not to rehash scenes, but there may be some small dialogue that ends up in here, for plot's sake.</p><p>My first (published) fanfic. Please, let me know what you think!<br/>Any NSFW/Squick/Anxiety chapters will be marked.<br/>Please note - Australian Spelling/Grammar. Ty!<br/>Disclaimer - I own my head canon plot, but the setting and characters are all bioware.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tower Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> This particular chapter is solely from Solas' viewpoint, and is mainly reminiscent. Most other chapters will chop & change POV.

Solas wandered alone, stepping lightly over fallen branches and debris. Scowling, he glanced around at the old abandoned tower, before setting up his usual wards of protection. His heart was heavy, having been forced to say goodbye to an old friend. He consoled himself that at least he had been able to return his friend to her original purpose before she had died, freeing her of her warped pride-demon state. His face contorted in anger at the thought of the idiotic shem-mages who had abused the spirit in order to protect their own sorry hides. 

 _Didn't work out well for them, did it now?_ He thought.

He knew that he'd let his rage take over in regards to the mages, but he didn't regret his actions. It was better off that they were no longer a danger to any other spirits, or mortals for that matter. He settled himself against a corner in the tower, assuming his usual position before venturing into the world of the fade.

When he woke, he was refreshed but still grim. He had felt whisperings of the spirit's memory, but his friend had definitely left the fade permanently. Solas, not yet ready to move or venture back to Skyhold, lay brooding, glaring up at the night sky. He thought of the Inquisitor, and her readiness to help him free his friend. She had not judged him on his actions, and she had trusted him that freeing the demon from it's confines would return his friend to her normal state of wisdom. In fact, she trusted him on a great many things, consulting him on his broad knowledge, from historical events to arcane magic. He found himself relaxing a little as he continued to think of her. She was so unusal for a Dalish mage, he smirked slightly. 

_Though she would probably hit me if I said that to her face._

She was so willing to learn, so hungry for any and all knowledge. She consitently pestered him with questions, though of course he didn't mind. She was especially keen for knowledge regarding the ancient elvhen of Arlathan; Solas had to be careful in his exuberance to fulfill her requests for this particular subject, often bordering on forgetting that he needed to claim his knowledge was fade-given, not lived. They had argued early on, over the Dalish and their misguided ways of honouring the elvhen of old. He had told her none-too-gently of his opinion on the Dalish and the wrongness of their customs - she had countered him in a way which he had not expected. She had willingly accepted that it was highly likely that Solas was correct, and that the way of her peoples were misguided and incorrectly remembered, but challenged him to consider that very few mages, particularly Dalish mages, would have ever had the gift he did for wandering the fade so proficiently, and that without this they had only word of mouth and hazy memories of elders, passed down over generations and misinterpreted, to go on. She had warned him that while _she_ knew and trusted him and his knowledge gleaned from the fade, that Dalish clans would likely not believe a non-Dalish apostate elf who claimed to know more of the old ways than they. What reason would they have to trust him over what they believed to be the correct passing of knowledge from generation to generation? She had challenged his preconceptions, claiming that regardless of how incorrect they may be in their mimicking of ancient ways, the Dalish now had their own culture built upon these beliefs and rituals, and that whilst some may be willing to adapt and learn, like herself, many would not wish to change purely based upon their own comfort and knowledge of their Dalish culture.

That conversation had left him reeling, never expecting her to possess such intelligence, insight and conviction. He had acknowledged to himself that whilst his dislike of the Dalish for their incorrectly assumed customs may not subside due to his own pride and experiences, he could learn to tolerate them, aware that he had not considered many of the points that she had brought to his attention.

That conversation had occured not long before the trip to Val Royeaux and the resulting partnership with the rebel mages. That had been an ordeal in itself, and he had quietly lent his support and an ear to listen after the events that occured. Ellana had been stronger, but much more shaken as to the extent of the battle the inquisition was builiding for itself after that. The breach had been closed, but then Corypheus had arrived, bringing along his Red Templar army with him. Ellana had stayed behind to allow the escape of the survivors from Haven, a brave and successful action, but one that had left him stunned over how much he cared that she survived.

They had only grown closer after Haven, Solas guiding her to Skyhold, Ellana being named Inquisitor. She often came to sit in his solar with him, listening to his stories, asking him questions, sometimes just sitting in silence away from the hectic life that the Inquisition demanded of her. She would frequently drag him up to the garden to sit when the weather was nicer. His own mask began to fade around her as their comfort levels grew around each other. He had taken her into the fade one night, visiting Haven, discussing his role in attempting to seal the breach before taking care of her and studying her Anchor whilst she slept. He had spoken of how his world had changed once she had arrived and shown her ability in closing the rifts; She had called him a sweet talker and lent in to kiss him. She had looked away then, discouraged by his lack of reaction (stunned at her feelings for him, he reasoned), until he had thrown away his careful mask and lent out to catch her arm, pulling her back in for a passionate kiss, even venturing as far as teasing a little tongue. 'Fade Tongue' as Ellana had joked. 

He smiled a little at the memory, before pulling himself back under his mask, his features stonelike. He had warned her that it was a mistake, that they shouldn't continue to pursue what was between them. She had the inquisition to concentrate on; He, well... He had his own mission. One that would leave her behind if he succeeded. He could not afford to be distracted from his end goals. And she would certainly qualify as an extremely enticing distraction. He sighed. And yet... he could not stop thinking of her. Replaying the kiss. Dreaming of other possible events. Rethinking past conversations. She had began calling him Hah'ren, teasing him. She liked to laugh, to tease, to joke. She was such an interesting elf. Her hunger for knowledge called to him like nothing else, her intelligence, her determination. He had once teased her about her 'indomitable focus', saying how fascinating it would be to see it dominated... Her focus was one of the things he adored about her, but now he could barely sleep without thinking about the potential domination of that focus. Dragging her focus away from the Inquisition, from her ever-present thirst for knowledge, from the world... to have her focus dominated only by him.

Solas shivered, shaking his head. Best not to pursue that line of thought.

Her compassion and willingness to aid him in his personal quest to free his friend in the Exalted Plains, that had began to tip him over the edge. This was a woman that rivaled his own passions and values, a thirst for knowledge that competed with his own, a woman who would challenge his very being whilst supporting his every move. He had never met a woman like Ellana. And he had lived a very long time. She reminded him of the wisdom and gentleness, strength and determination that was intricately woven into the fabric of spirit of the Elvhen people of old. He wanted so desperately to be able to hold her, love her, protect her  - and yet, it would be he that caused the destruction of her world. But still, she was also a continuous reminder of his past failures. She was a powerful mage, yes, but held no power in comparison to the People of Arlathan. And she was dying - mortal, like humanity, like every other veil-damned creature on this planet besides him. Once, she would have been immortal, and she could have lived forever by his side. Now, he had but a fleeting moment to spend with her, a blip in the length of time. He couldn't guarantee her safety if he brought down the veil to destroy the world and rebuild Arlathan once again. He had thought about scouring the earth to find a way to allow her safe passage when his plans eventuated... but then he reminded himself of who he was. Would she accept him? He could not imagine she would. The Dalish were brought up to fear the Dread Wolf, the damned Fen'harel. How would she react to learn that her lover was he in the flesh? And even if she could manage to struggle past that, how would she view his actions, both past, present and future? No, he could not reveal himself to her, there was no chance of that ending well. Besides, he would not leave the inquisition, not whilst she needed him. And so, he could not afford to attempt to bring her with him. He resigned himself to the knowledge that if he was going to spend any time with her, it had to be this fleeting moment of time whilst she lived, and he existed only as Solas, her apostate hah'ren. He would not pursue his feelings for her, he must not allow his heart to rule his head. It would only end with him leaving her, once the inquisition defeated Corypheus. He would take the orb, his foci, and disappear into nothing to pursue his goals. No, he would return to Skyhold, thank her for her assistance regarding his friend, and then plead that she let sleeping mabari lie  - he would push her towards one of the other capable men of the inquisition if necessary. Cullen or Blackwall, maybe. Both were strong, dependable warriors who would take care of her and who would give her the love she deserved whilst they both lived.

Solas sighed and stood, stretching his muscles, bringing down his wards. He would return to Skyhold.

 


	2. Stubborn, Fade-Obsessed Hobo Apostate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas makes attempts to put certain plans into place, but Ben-Hassrath horns may intervene...

Upon Solas' return to Skyhold, he notes that the Inquisitor is in the courtyard to greet him. She must have been alerted to his return by their sentries, he mused. She greets him gently, warmly, glad that he has returned to them, to her. She reminds him that next time he needs to grieve, he need not do it alone; he was so used to being alone that he never considered that she would want to be there while he grieved. He reminded himself of his decision, but _creators_ if she didn't make it hard for him, with that smile, those eyes, everything that was so uniquely her. He made a mental note to visit Cullen later.

A day later, after having no luck trying to corner the Commander for half a second without him being preoccupied by some Inquisition report or strategy that demanded his utmost attention, Solas changed his tactic. He went to visit Cole in the loft above the tavern, attempting to coax out of Cole if the young spirit-boy had ever caught any romantic notions towards their Inquisitor from Cullen's head. After a hushed discussion, which only left his head and heart fighting, he thanked Cole and turned to leave, heading down the first of the stairs as he heard a familiar laugh. He half contemplated turning back and escaping out the side door and across the battlements - but no, he would not skulk around the castle, afraid to see her. That would achieve nothing. Head held high, mask firmly in place he descended, pretending not to see her until she greeted him with an enigmatic "Hah'ren!"

He nodded and gave her a small smile. "Inquisitor"

"I was here to discuss the prospects of fighting the dragon that is causing so much havoc in the Hinterlands with Bull, he's quite the dragon enthusiast. Care to join us?"

"No, thank you Da'len, I've got plenty of work to do myself, and I must see if I can corner our Commander this evening too"

"Oh I think Cullen's out training with the men, I saw them as I walked over, but he'll probably be free later. Can I come and see you later tonight Solas?"

"Of course, Da'len, you know where I'll be" Whilst they had conversed, the Iron Bull had wandered over to join them, greeting Solas with a hearty slap on the back.

"Solas! Here for a drink?"

"No, thank you, I am just leaving. I had some business to discuss with Cole." He nodded his head to both qunari and elf before leaving the tavern.

Bull, Ben-Hassrath that he was, had noted quite some time ago the looks that occurred between Inquisitor and Apostate, particularly when they thought the other wasn't looking. Just now, he was particularly intrigued by the guilt and sadness that Solas had in his eyes as he looked at the Inquisitor upon mention of his discussion with Cole. He left the Inquisitor chatting merrily with Krem and went to have a quiet word with the kid.

 

Ellana was grasping her belly in aching laughter at the recount of a chargers' story Krem was retelling when Bull slapped a handful of drinks down noisily in front of them.

"Hey Boss, do you mind if I have a word?" He spoke quietly in Ellana's ear as he planted the drinks on the table. Ellana's inclined her head slightly, before excusing herself from Krem for the moment.

"Bull, can I borrow you outside for a second? I want you to show me a move you used the other day - we'll be back in just a minute Krem"

"Is everything ok?" Ellana looked up at the large qunari, impressed as always by his towering height.

"It's nothing serious Boss, but I thought you ought to know. I've seen the way that you and Solas act around each other" Ellana blushed furiously "and I know that he has been, shall we say, reluctant, in moving forward"

"How did you…?" Ellana started

"Ben-Hassrath" Bull winked "Anyway boss, I had my suspicions that something wasn't right and so I investigated - and I'm pretty sure you might want to stop him from speaking with the Commander"

"Why?"

"I'm fairly certain that our resident apostate is attempting to set you up with a particular ex-Templar"

"Set me up?"

"Set you up. Romantically"

"Wait… What?" Ellana stammered, confused. Then it clicked. "Oh _fenendhis_! That stubborn, fade-obsessed hobo! Trying to push me towards someone else so that he doesn't have to deal with whatever it is we are. He needs to learn not to get his dating tips from the bloody spirits in the fade if this is where they guide him! Fen'Harel take him, once I get my hands on him…" She fumed.

"Thanks for the heads up. Apologise to Krem for me? I have to go and set fire to a certain bald-headed elf" she growled, then stalked away, muttering to herself.

Bull shook his head, wondering if he should have given Solas a warning before setting a grouchy inquisitor on him. He shrugged, then turned to go back and join Krem in the tavern.

"Krem had better have saved me one of those drinks or Solas won't be the only one on fire…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ever so much for reading! Apologies for any mistakes, this was uploaded from my phone. 
> 
> So far, this work is un-beta'd, but I am trying to make everything as accurate and correctly spelt as possible!


	3. Fade Hath No Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana's fury finds Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight swearing in this chapter.

Varric winced as Ellana came storming past him through the hall on her way to the war council.

"You okay, Inky?" he ventured, unsure of if his asking was wise. She whirled on him, her eyes like thunder.

"Who in the fade does he think he is?" she muttered. "He can't decide these things for me.. ugh!"

"Uhh Inky? Does this have anything to do with you and Chuckles?"

"What? How do you?" She looked down at him questioningly... then belatedly noted who she was talking to. "Yes. He's a right idiot. He... ugh" She gestured frustratingly.

"You and Chuckles have been making moon eyes over each other for some time now. I thought something might have eventuated a little while ago, when you were spending so much time with him, but I'm guessing that something else has happened?"

"He has some.. _reason"_ she growled "as to why he thinks I shouldn't be with him. I've tried to convince him that whatever it is, I will still care for him, and he said he would think about it. I've given him so much time to contemplate being with me, leaving me hanging, and now, _fuck!"_ She sighed, taking her volume down a notch

"Now, as our Ben-Hassrath just deigned to inform me, he has been conniving some way to set me up with Cullen. Cullen!"

"Why would he..."

"I mean the Commander is a lovely man and very easy on the eye, don't get me wrong, but I don't want Cullen, if I did I would have gone after him myself!"

"I just want him to understand that I care for him. I don't care that he is an apostate, that he's always been alone, that he is quite a bit older. I care about _him_. And I thought he cared about me. I just don't understand why he won't allow us to be together, to be happy.." Her eyes turned downcast, sadness creeping in to quell the rage of her storm.

"Is it because I'm the Inquisitor? Am I too intimidating? Or maybe he was just flirting and he really doesn't care for me the way I think he does... Do you think it's my vallaslin? My Dalish blood?" She absent-mindedly touched the tattoo on her face.

"No, I don't think it's any of those things. He definitely has feelings for you, I can see it in the way he looks at you. I would guess that he is scared. If he has been alone all these years, maybe, as much as he cares for you, he is scared about letting another person in? Maybe he wonders as to what you want from him - whether you would be content wandering the earth and the fade the rest of your lives or whether you would want to set up home back with your Dalish clan and pop out a couple of kids?" Varric took her arm, rubbing his crossbow-calloused thumb over her wrist in comfort.

"Look, Inky, Chuckles isn't exactly your stock-standard elf. But I know he cares for you. Don't give up on him. Just speak to him, let him know that you don't wish to be with anyone but him. I've done the whole complicated, unrequited love thing. Don't leave it too late, so that you both end up halfway around the world from each other with the whole of the Merchant's Guild threatening you both if you so much as step foot onto the same continent as each other. Trust me, you're better off fighting for it than you are letting things run away from you. Fight for him Inky. And if that doesn't work, let me know and I'll let Bianca aid you in the fighting" He winked at her.

"You're right. You're absolutely right" Conviction showed on her face. "And if he does have some big reason as to why we can't be together, then at least I can enjoy his company and what we have between us whilst we can, and we can sort out the rest later as it comes"

As she finished speaking, Varric caught sight of the aforementioned apostate slinking past them and into his solar, though Ellana hadn't noticed.

"Good. Now that you've let out a little steam, go and speak to him, and tell him what you think" Varric put his hands on her back and gently shoved her towards the door to the solar.

"But the war council?"

"Can wait. Go"

 

 

Solas had caught the end of Ellana's conversation with Varric as he had snuck past them, and the thought reverberated through his mind. Should he take advantage of the limited time they had together, regardless of what would happen later? The idea was so tempting. He truly did not know how he would act, if his initial plan to push her away and into the arms of Cullen succeeded. Much as it would have been his doing, he knew that the sight would kill him. How would he survive being around her each day, knowing that it was Cullen that got to hold her, kiss her, love her the way that he wanted to? He shook his head. Maybe it was best if he did enjoy her company for a while, that way he could get it out of his system and then continue with his quest once Corypheus was done. No, he did not think he would ever get her out of his system. But perhaps it would be easier to live with her so close, as such a temptation, if he gave in to his wants and feelings whilst she was so near, and then whilst it would be more difficult to leave her later, at least he would have known what it was like to love her. He would have the memory of her forever, instead of not knowing.

He was still brooding over his thoughts when she determinedly strode into his solar, eyes narrowing a little as she cornered him. She stalked up to him before punching him in the arm with her small fist.

 _That wasn't_ quite _the reaction I was expecting,_ he thought, as he rubbed his arm absent-mindedly - it may not have been a hard punch, but he had not been expecting it and there was enough anger behind it that it still hurt a little.

"Would you like to explain yourself?" She demanded.

"Excuse me?"

"Explain. Yourself." Her voice grated. She paused, then continued seeing as Solas was not going to reply "As to why you have decided that you are master of me and have control over whom I should and shouldn't be in a relationship with"

"Oh. You heard" He was hoping to keep it quiet, so that he could decide if he wanted to go through with his plans before anything eventuated.

"Yes I heard. I am the Inquisitor, you know. I have my sources of information. More trustworthy than you, apparently."

" _Ir abelas_ , Inquisitor. I did not intend to control you"

"Well, _Hah'ren_ , how about you explain what you did intend then, when you decided that Cullen was my perfect match, even though you have no reason to believe that I care for him any more than I care for Varric or Josephine or Cassandra" She scowled at his use of her title, putting as much spite into her title for him as she could.

 

"It was something that I thought about when I was away. I thought that maybe I could direct you to another who would care for you better and give you the relationship you deserve, more than what I could provide. I did not intend to force you into anything. And though I had made inquiries, I had begun to believe that my idea was not the wisest. I was clouded by emotion when I was away, and my judgement was poor. I humbly apologise Da'len" There was nothing but sincerity in his use of her playful title this time. He saw her shoulders sag a little as the anger left her. She was still scowling, but her eyes had lost much of their intensity. Instead, they were filled with passion and hope.

"Why did you change your mind?" She asked cooly.

"I realised that it was not my place to play matchmaker"

"So where does this leave us, Solas?"

"I am not sure, Da'len. I.."

"Well I suggest that you make up your mind soon Solas, for both our sakes. I'm not sure how much longer I can last, constantly being around you but never knowing how to act around you. Ir abelas, Solas, I need an answer. I can't continue like this" She inwardly cursed her voice for breaking a little at the end.

"I will give you an answer this evening Ellana, if that is what you wish. But right now, I believe you are late for a war meeting?"

" _Shit!_ Tonight, Solas. _Satham_ " She turned and left his solar, ignoring Varric's questioning looks as she rushed towards the war room. She couldn't bring herself to look Cullen in the eye as she entered, not knowing quite how far Solas had gotten with his matchmaking plans.

 

 

Alone again in his solar, Solas paced, heart thumping and mind racing.

"Oh for Andraste's sake Solas, it is so damn obvious how you feel about her, why do you play with her feelings?" A snarky tone drifted over the balcony, followed by a meticulously manicured head.

Solas looked up at the unwanted intruder into his thoughts, muttering something that sounded awfully like "bloody nosey tevinter" before answering.

"If you are so intent on sticking your moustache into others' business, I am reluctant because I cannot trust myself not to hurt her"

"Would the threat of the entire Inquisition raining down on your shiny bald head help as incentive not to hurt her?"

"It would not be intentional." Solas pointed out indignantly "But it has been such a long time since I have been anything but alone. Such a long time since I have allowed myself to take care of another"

"Well then maybe it is time that you made a change, Ser Lonesome. Our dear Inquisitor is not so fragile as to not be able to take care of herself you know, but she needs a guiding hand. A companion she can turn to, be herself with when she needs to take off the mantle of Inquisitor. Maybe it would not be such a horrid idea for you to relearn what it is like to care for someone and leave your lonely ways. She has much on her shoulders, Solas, and she needs someone to help her share the burden. You do not have to rescue her from fire-breathing dragons, I hear she is quite capable of that herself. You just need to save her from herself, give her someone she can be herself with away from the Inquisition, someone she can relax with at the end of each day. She is far too young to deal with this on her own. She does not need you putting your own selfish excuses on her shoulders as to why you cannot be there with her, to help her through this. She is an emotional, gentle creature, and she needs someone who will treat her as such. And she wants your grouchy old self, fade-knows why. Why deny her that companionship, when it is so obvious you feel the same about her?"

 

Solas just glared up at the other mage, blinking, thinking. He dropped his head realising that Dorian was right. She had been through so much, and still had so far to go. She needed a shoulder to lean on during these times, and for some reason, she wanted his. Could he deny her that comfort, when he acknowledged that his own heart craved to be with her? Could he deny her and leave her to bear the weight of his rejection on top of all the other burdens she carried? He carried his own fair share of burdens, true, but he had long since become accustomed to the weight, and realised that he would gladly share hers if it made her life easier. He wanted to see her smile, hear her laugh as often as possible, not hide away from life's pleasures because of the weight of the Inquisition.

"Oh and Solas " Dorian grinned menacingly "if you ever decide to play matchmaker for anyone else, I'll set Bull on you."

Solas gave a slight nod, then turned on his heel and strode out his solar before Dorian could make any further commentary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for reading, and for the kudos & comments! I am amazed at how many of you seem to like my little headcanon meanderings.  
> Any elven is taken from Project Elven by FenxShiral.  
> Ir abelas - I'm sorry/I apologise  
> Satham - please


	4. Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas walks in on Ellana, then proceeds to finally have to talk she so longed for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the short chapter.  
> Apologies also, as it is a fleshing out of the balcony scene, but I loved that scene so much and it fitted in so well with where my story needed to go that I couldn't leave it out. I have tweaked it slightly to fit my plot's needs, so wording will not necessarily be exact.  
> Some minor swearing.

The war council dragged on considerably, discussing the importance of Adamant Fortress and the best way to tackle the assault. They were not quite ready for the assault, but could not hold off much longer, for fear of Corypheus' demon army being spawned before they arrived. They would wait a few more weeks for extra troops to arrive from their various excursions in the field doing minor tasks, and then they would march. Ellana trembled nervously at the thought. Despite her numerous ventures and successes so far, this would be the first full-scale battle that they had attempted, and Ellana was not positive that they would come out on top. It would all depend on how far the Grey Wardens had managed to get with their army, and how many of the Warden warriors would join their side in the fight, once they realised that the Inquisition would help them. There were a lot of 'ifs' in this assault, and it made Ellana's stomach roil. It did not help that her mind and heart were terrified of the conversation she would have with Solas once the war council was finished. She didn't know whether she wanted the council to wrap up faster or slower, didn't know which was the worse torture. Inevitably, the council came to an end, though Cullen asked her to stay behind for a quick word. Ellana froze, dreading what Cullen would say.

 _How far did Solas get?_ She thought.

"Apologies, Inquisitor, I just wanted to ask if you knew the reason why Solas was hunting me down so fervently the past few days? I regret I haven't been able to give him the time yet, what with there being so much to do in the preparation for Adamant. If you knew if it was important, I will see him now, otherwise I might retire for the night, if you have no further need of me" Cullen rubbed his temples, willing his headache to go away.

"Oh!" Ellana visibly relaxed. "No, Commander, it is quite alright. I have spoken with Solas myself and it was nothing important. I believe he received the answers he needed elsewhere."

"Good. If there is anything else you need of me?"

"No, thank you Cullen. Go and rest, you have been working far too hard. Take the rest of the night off. I will see to it that you are not disturbed."

"Thank you Inquisitor, but that is not necessary. Good evening" Cullen gave her a warm smile, his eyes perhaps revealing a little too much, but he exited the War Room, holding the door for her on the way out.

Ellana ensured she spoke with both Knight-Captain Rylen and Cassandra, asking them to deal with any of Cullen's duties for the rest of the evening, not that there should be much that would demand his attention. But, knowing her Commander, if she didn't prevent messengers from arriving at his door, he would still be up working half the night, despite his obvious headache. She smiled at Varric on her way back to her quarters, promising to speak with him on the morrow. She wondered if she had time for a long-overdue bath before Solas came to speak with her.

 

Ellana lay relaxing in her bath, half-asleep, allowing the warm water to soothe her aching muscles and relax her overworked brain. That was, until she heard footsteps ascending her stairs. She turned slightly, thinking it may be Cassandra or Leliana, to discuss some further Inquisition need, but instead laid her eyes on Solas. Her reactions were delayed for a second, then she squeaked and sat up instinctively, then blushed to her roots and made to cover her chest with her arms, sliding back into the water, sloshing water over the side of the tub as she moved.

"Solas! I uh, I sent a messenger? To ask you to come after the evening meal? To give me time to uh, well, to bathe?" She babbled, her blush growing deeper, if possible.

Solas, gentleman that he was, had averted his eyes immediately as he realised her state, and then when she spoke, he looked directly at her eyes, nowhere else, much as certain body parts of his insisted otherwise.

"Inquisitor, I apologise. I did receive your message, but it is in fact, almost an half an hour after the evening meal  - I wanted to give you plenty of time"

"What? I uh.." Ellana looked outside, seeing the moon high in the sky. "Shit! _Ir abelas_ Solas, I must've fallen asleep in the tub, I didn't realise. Would you mind, uh, giving me a minute?"

"Certainly Da'len. It was not my intention to catch you in such a state" Ellana didn't miss the small smirk on Solas' face. "Would you like me to leave and you can send a messenger when you are ready?"

"Oh no, that won't be necessary, I will only be a minute. Maybe if you just wanted to wait out on the balcony? I trust you" She said hurriedly, not wanting him to leave  - she was worried he wouldn't return.

 _"Ma nuvenin_. Come and join me when you are ready" He said gently, exiting the room for the large balcony.

"Shit! Shit, shit, shit" She swore voraciously as she exited the tub, drying herself with a quick warming spell rather than the manual way as she usually liked to do, swathing herself in towelling.

"You have been hanging around Varric far too often, Da'len" Solas' playful tone wandered in from the balcony.

"Sorry, Hah'ren. You are not the first to have mentioned that" she called back as she grabbed fresh smalls, trousers and top from the drawers. She ignored her boots, as her small stature allowed such length to her trousers that they were long enough that she could pull the ends around her heels and cover most of her feet. She would only be heading to bed after this, and she could not be bothered with the endless laces of her boots.

 

She shivered a little at the cold stone of the balcony on her feet, second guessing her decision regarding her boots.

She had no idea where this conversation was going to head; it could go one of many ways. Ellana turned so she could both face him and lean on the balcony for support, while he stood stoically, staring out at the mountains beyond. _Creators_ , where had all her conviction gone? Where was her strength? In the face of this man, she seemed to feel little more than a young girl sometimes, inexperienced and naive, the silly little Da'len to his experienced and wise Hah'ren.

She expected the silence to go on, neither one of them wanting to begin the conversation. She was about to speak, in awkward attempt to begin, when he surprised her, turning to face her and speaking. His voice sounded so serious, yet so unsure.

"What were you like before the Anchor? Has it affected you? Changed you in any way? Your mind, your morals, your... spirit?"

"No, I don't believe so"

"Ah."

"Why do you ask?"

"You have shown a wisdom that I have not seen" _since Arlathan_ "since my deepest wanderings of the ancient memories of the fade".

She wished he would say her name more often, the enticing lilt of his formal accent making her name sound like the most exquisite word in history.

"You are not what I expected"

"You make that sound like a bad thing" she teased.

He smirked a little, then continued. "You show a subtlety in your actions, a wisdom that goes against everything I expected. I may have misjudged the Dalish for them to raise one with a spirit such as yours" he stated.

"I am my own person. The Dalish may have raised me, but my decisions are my own. Besides, I was always a bit of an outcast. I wasn't what you would call the perfect little Dalish Da'len"

He chuckled at that, then sighed. "Most people act with so little understanding of the world. But not you."

She was unsure of where he was leading with this. Her heart had been in her throat since he had walked in on her, and she felt as if she would almost be sick if he did not give her a straight answer. She was so tired of loving him from afar, unable to breach the wall between them. She almost did not care what his answer was, as long as she had an answer. She needed to know, instead of being left hanging by a thread, pulled every which way at the slightest motion of his hand. She would not let him leave without giving her what she so desperately needed to hear.

"So what does this mean, Solas?" Her face was held in attempt of hiding her thoughts, but her eyes were filled with hope, seeking out his. She felt as if the pause went on for years between them.

 

 

"It means I have not forgotten the kiss" His heart flipped as he saw the intensity of hope and emotion pouring out of her eyes and into his.

"Good" Ellana clasped her hands behind her back, swaying her body subconsciously as she moved towards him, standing a hair's breadth away from him. He ached to curl his fingers through her hair, cup her back, kiss her until her lips were swollen from his desperation. In one last effort to bring control over himself, he turned away, making to walk back into her room.

"Don't go" Her voice was filled with sadness, her hand catching his arm, pleading him not to leave.

"It would be kinder in the long run..." _not to break our hearts_. But his control wavered, disintegrated under her gaze boring in to him. "But losing you would.." _without having a chance to love you first would be a far worse fate_.

 

He swept her up, circling his arms around her, his hands resting on her back, fingers stroking the fabric of her top gently. He tipped her slightly, kissing her passionately. He did not wish this moment to end. But he knew he had to leave or he would whisk her up, plant her in the bed, and prevent her from leaving for the next week, at least. And he wasn't certain that the rest of the Inquisition would allow him to barricade her away without a fight. So he broke their kiss, smiled in sweet sadness at her, then stepped away. She would never know what she meant to him. This anomaly in his carefully devised plans, this unexpected twist of fate, this incredible woman. She had tipped his world upside down, then proceeded to turn it inside out. He did not deserve her. But he had always been a selfish man.

_"Ar lath ma, vhenan"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ever so much for reading, as always.
> 
> Elven from Project Elvhen by FenxShiral  
> Ir Abelas - I'm Sorry  
> Ma Nuvenin - As you wish


	5. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana discusses her nightmares with Solas, leaning on him for support. She shares her past issues, leading to revelations on Solas' behalf.
> 
>  
> 
> NB - anxiety, sleep paralysis, mentions & memory descriptions of rape/non-con in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in the uploading of this chapter. It was a tough chapter for me to write, but I think I have got it where I needed it to go. Have also had end of year exams DX fingers crossed I should be able to upload the next chapter a little faster.
> 
> As per the summary, warnings for anxiety, sleep paralysis, mentions & memory descriptions of rape/non-con.

"Hah'ren?" Ellana tiptoed into the solar, aware of the late hour at which she was traversing the castle. Her assumptions were correct though, as she spied Solas hunched over his desk, nose pressed close to a great tome, studying it intently.

" _Vhenan_?" She ventured again, a little louder this time. Solas looked up, a slight smile on his face as he realised who it was that was disturbing him.

"My heart. What brings you here so late?" He asked gently. He noted that she was dressed for bed, wearing naught but a nightdress and robe, her feet bare, and she was shivering in the cold night air. Solas went to her, bringing her in his arms, warming her with his bodyheat. He looked closely at her and saw the tear streaks that stained her cheeks, and his heart leapt a little.

"What has upset you so, _ma sa'lath_?"

She took a deep breath to steady herself, her composure having let go once Solas had enveloped her in his arms.

"I..It is naught but a nightmare. Since Adamant, I... "

"Hush. It is okay. You are safe, _Vhenan_. You are safe. Do you wish to talk about it?" He felt, rather than saw, the small nod of her head against him in answer.

"It is not always me... I dream of the wardens that we could not save, the ones who turned on their brothers and sisters with demons, the inquisition soldiers that died, poor Hawke left behind in the fade with the Nightmare..." She shivered violently and Solas squeezed her a little tighter against his chest. "There is more but I don't know how to speak about it."

She looked up at him from his chest, eyes full of doubt and fear, and Solas felt admiration wash over him. In his arms was this young, fascinating woman who had been thrust into the Inquisition with a powerful unknown mark on her hand, and she had dealt with each blow, each challenge with grace and wisdom. Yet so few of her companions thought to check on her wellbeing after each of these difficult, nightmare-inducing events. She was the Inquisitor, and thus she was invincible, or so many of them believed deep down. Solas inwardly chided himself for not checking up on her sooner after Adamant, for not instinctively knowing she needed comfort from the distress such an event would cause her. He had been alone too long. He kissed the top of her head lightly.

"Solas?"

"Yes _Vhenan_?"

"Would you stay with me tonight?"

How could he say no to those eyes, pleading, innocent, filled with love. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice warned him of the consequences of getting too attached, but he was already so far gone, his heart and soul bound by the enigmatic elf. He was a lost cause, and would gladly give up the world if she asked him. He was torn between knowing that she would never ask it of him, and pleading her to demand that he give it up for her.

 

He had picked her up, curled in his arms, wrapped feet silent on stone flooring. Effortlessly he had swept up her staircase, before planting her gently on her bed, pausing to remove her outer robe, then his tunic and feet wrappings, before crawling in next to her, wrapping her back up into his arms, allowing the warmth of his skin to heat and comfort her. He thought she had fallen asleep, when he heard her whisper his name against his chest.

"Solas?"

"Try to sleep, _Vhenan_ " he encouraged.

She shook her head, indicating that she needed to get something off her chest.

"My nightmares, they... they always end the same" her voice breaking as she spoke. "They always have. They feature memories from my past. An….and I struggle to wake from them. It is as if my mind is awake in a body that it cannot control, and so I am paralysed, choking, helpless, unable to do anything but live through the dream until something snaps and my body comes back to me"

He turned his head to kiss her hair, his thumb wiping away the solitary tear that had escaped to roll down her cheek.

"It sounds like you could possibly suffer sleep paralysis _Vhenan_ , a rare sleeping disorder. I have heard of it in my ventures but have not seen one affected with it." She looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Your anxiety attack, in the fade - is that something you experience often?" he enquired. He remembered back to their fall into the fade, to the taunts of the Nightmare demon and how Ellana had stopped after the Nightmare had whispered to her mind alone, rooted to the spot in fear, breathing erratically, one hand out to grip Solas' tunic tightly as her legs buckled and she crumpled into a ball. He had seen the incident for what it was, the anxiety that had riddled her, but knew not to press for information until she was ready to speak to him. He had let her grip him for support, stroking her back until the Nightmare's voice subsided and Ellana's breathing had calmed enough for her to stand and continue. Neither Bull nor Varric had commented or judged, as they all had their fair share of demons to deal with whilst the Nightmare had his fun.

Ellana nodded her head slowly.

"Sleep paralysis could possibly be a side effect of your anxiety, Vhenan. Whatever it is that is eating away at you, whenever it hits you, you need to focus on breathing, on nothing but counting your breaths in and out slowly. It will help to slow your heart and free you of whatever it is that is gripping you. You are not helpless Vhenan, and if you ever need to open up, you know that I am here"

She nodded again slowly, and he could tell she was focussing on her breathing as he had instructed. He said nothing, not wanting to force her to speak, but allowing her the room to do so if she needed to. 

"About a year or so ago, our Keeper had come into contact with another Clan from the Free Marches, and had invited them to camp with us for a few nights to swap stories and events, before the other clan continued on their way. Their Keeper had a son, a brilliant hunter and pride of their clan. Keeper Deshana hoped that if we showed enough hospitality, their Keeper might wish to betroth his son to one of the young girls of our clan. My mage skills and parentage put me high up within the clan, likely to be named as First in the coming year, and so I was similarly high up on the list of candidates.  He was a good looking man, charming at first, but underneath was cruel, vain and arrogant. He was used to being popular within his clan, the girls all willing to open their beds to him if he demanded, the men looking to him to lead their hunts. Whilst he was treated with respect from our clan, we did not show him the same devotion and favouritism. Keeper Deshana stupidly decided to talk me up after their Keeper had finished claiming that his son could _woo the stars_ , showcasing my wide knowledge and care for the clan, as well as my mage skills. The son did not like being upstaged, and so took it upon himself to bring me down a notch. After the first night, he encouraged his father to name me as his interest for a betrothal, and Keeper Deshana was delighted. It would be a powerful match and would bring much pride to our clan. But I had seen the looks the son had in his eye, the way he glared at our clan, particularly the women. I was not exactly enthusiastic. The second and third nights, upon insistence from the Keepers, we had been seated together, encouraged to drink and eat together. On the third night, I discovered that he had been taught how to dabble in templar training - he took lyrium, and was able to silence and dispel my abilities. I was trapped. He whispered to me that if I did not do as he said, he would claim that I was possessed and would kill me, as a hero. He told the Keepers that we were going on a walk, to get away from the noise and crowd. Keeper Deshana was practically beaming as he led me away. Once we were alone, he bound my hands and removed my clothing, all the while threatening me, telling me how he would torture and kill me if I resisted. Not that I could - my hands were bound, I was silenced, and I had been cut off from the fade so my magic was useless. I felt completely vulnerable, powerless to stop him. He'd told me how a rogue templar had taught him the ways and supplied him lyrium, showing him the _'fun'_ that could be had at it's use."

She breathed heavily, sobbing a little at the raw emotion of the memory. Solas kept stroking her, saying nothing but pouring all his care and support into his touch. She gulped, then shakingly continued.

"He raped me over and over, roughly, leaving me bleeding and crying. When he was done, he unbound my hands and left me there. Another from their clan arrived just as he left, and at first I thought I was rescued. But he apologised, and told me that the son had threatened him into complying, and began to remove his clothes and fumblingly rape me also. With my hands untied, I began to try and push him off, fight back, but I was sore and my energy was lacking, zapped by the rape and the lyrium-removal of my powers. The son returned with both Keepers in tow, saying that I had left him alone in the forest, and that he had wanted their assistance in finding me. They found me splayed in the dirt, naked and apparently compliant, whilst the young man had his way with me. The son and his father denounced me as a dirty whore and called off the betrothal, disgusted with the way that I would treat their clan. Keeper Deshana was in shock, and hastily attempted to appease the other keeper whilst berating me and the boy. Once they had left, I took my clothes and headed to the river. I scrubbed myself raw, trying to rid myself of any of his touch. I was broken and bleeding inside, and went to see the healer, as it was beyond my capabilities at that time to heal. She healed me, but also saw the wounds for what they were and the next morning, roused Keeper Deshana and explained what her suspicions were. Of course, they thought it was the other boy, not the Keeper's son, and so the boy was severely punished by his clan.  I could not speak out at what had really happened, for my word would not be believed against his. I was still soiled goods in their eyes and so not worthy of betrothal, but at least I was not cast out of my clan as was being demanded by the other Keeper. The son was angry that his plan had not completely worked, and encouraged his father to break camp and move on early, much to my relief. I thought about explaining to Keeper Deshana once they had left but found I could not. Whenever I caught her alone she would moan about the wasted opportunity, and was distraught at how easily I had been taken advantage of by the greedy boy. She told me that I must be cursed by the dread wolf, that she could no longer announce me as First, and that I would not be fit for marriage to any other clans. She advised that I should attempt to learn a skill from one of our elders and prepare to take over their duties once they died. My world had crumbled. When we heard of the conclave a year later, I saw my opportunity to be of some use, but also get away from my clan. I had not completely decided on if I was going to return or not, but it at least gave me some breathing room. It doesn't matter now though. I am the Inquisitor, and they are all dead at the hands of Wycome, because I was idiotic enough to try and play politics and send the local nobles to help them rather than allowing Cullen to send Inquisition troops . And now they are all dead." Her voice broke completely at this final statement.

Tears were sliding down her face now, silent but constant. "And somehow I still have to save the world."

Solas was reeling at the revelation, more than ever struck by how strong his _Vhenan_ was.

"I am sorry, Ellana, I am so so sorry. It is not your fault, _Vhenan_ , none of it is your fault. You sent aid to your clan, and tried to keep peace within the nobility at the same time, a wise decision. You could not have known the outcome. Our troops would likely have not gotten there any faster, do not feel that it was your decision that sentenced them. Death is a natural part of the world, and much as we do not like it, we cannot help when it comes knocking at our door. As for the idiot elf that harmed you, I would dearly love to get my hands on him. But revenge will not heal you. I understand that your powerlessness at his actions eats away at you, but it is not your fault. If not you, it would have been one of your kin that he harmed. I am so sorry you had to endure that, my heart. I despair at the heartlessness that your Keeper treated you with also, that is cruel."

"I do not like her for it, but I do not blame her" Ellana whispered. Silence hung in the air for a minute or so whilst both elves clung to each other and pondered over the weight of the news that had been shared.

" _Vhenan_ \- was that... did he take your virginity?" Solas started, realising another fact with horror.

"Yes"

"Are you... are you okay with me being so close to you? You... do you fear...?" Solas for once was unsure as to how to phrase his question.

"No _Vhenan_ , I trust you. I have lain with others since, in attempt to wash away the memory of what it felt like. It is not the act of laying with a man that renders me sick with fear. I even went so far as to ensure I was taught to fight without a weapon or magic, if I ever felt the need for it. My..my nightmares are of the powerlessness, the inability to defend myself, the fear of seeing him again... and then somehow the dreams turn into Corypheus who is holding me down, stripping me of all power and consciousness"

"You are not powerless _Vhenan_. You are the most powerful individual in all Thedas"

"I still don't feel that is enough."

"You are prepared. You are aware of the cruelty of the world, and whilst you were subjected to that knowledge in the worst way, it has made you all the more powerful because of it. Knowledge and preparation are greater weapons than any sword or spell. You are the most intelligent, wise, kind person I have ever met, and I have met many. Know that you are not defenceless, not powerless, not unloved. We here in the Inquisition are your clan now, and will care for you and love you. We will protect you as best we can, but we also know that you are more than capable of protecting yourself. You are an incredible woman, Ellana, and the actions of an ignorant idiotic boy do not define you. You are so much more than your past"

His thumb continuously caressed the line of her jaw, the other arm holding her tightly against him. He could feel the tension in her body slowly recede, as she relaxed against him.

 

Solas stayed awake long after she had fallen asleep against him, thinking. _How am I going to leave this woman, when the time comes? How can I break her again when she is only just beginning to pick up the pieces? Why did she have to be so incredible? And why,_ oh creators why _, did she have to put her faith in me when I am the one guaranteed to fail her?_

 

 

 ~~~

 

They had been in the Hissing Wastes for two weeks now, traversing the vast expanse of sand during the night, huddled in tents under as much shade as they could find in the desert whilst the sun scorched down on them. Ellana had been apprehensive about bringing three mages with only one warrior, instead of Cole, Sara or Varric whom would give them a rogue in their party, but Bull had insisted on bringing Dorian. Whilst Ellana adored Dorian, and the two were very close friends after their mishaps in Redcliffe, and the debacle with Dorian's father, Ellana had always been reluctant to bring him along on missions, not wanting to leave Solas behind instead. But their three-mage party had been quite successful, allowing Bull to cause havoc whilst they stood back, casting barriers, static cages, and other various spells against the Venatori mages and archers, or aiding him in attack against their warriors. They had cleared the plains of all Venatori outposts, and had just defeated a high dragon, gaining access to the tomb of Fairel. Ellana had declared that they deserved a rest day (night) before making the long trek back to Skyhold. So that night, once it had cooled enough for them to venture out of their tents and into the moonlight, they relaxed. Bull had encouraged them to play cards for a while, but now Ellana was sitting on a knocked over stone pillar, whilst Bull and Dorian traded vulgar jokes and innuendo in a not so subtle attempt to deny the growing closeness between them. Ellana would not admit until they vocalised it, but she was positive she had heard Dorian vacating his tent for company last night, and knowing how excited Bull got about dragons.. Ellana smirked a little. She treasured the friendships she had made through the Inquisition. They welcomed her, accepted her, and did not care for any differences between them. Qunari, human, dwarf, spirit or elf, tevinter or free marches, mage, warrior, templar or apostate, male or female or whatever, it did not matter. They were judged on their personalities and their choices, rather than their accepted societal preconceptions. There were a few she was not so close to that had joined the inquisition, those who were not willing to show their true selves or were too self absorbed. Solas had gone to investigate the tomb a little closer, and had invited Ellana to join him, but for once she did not wish to investigate and further her knowledge; instead she wanted to sit and relax and enjoy not doing anything at all. 

She did not hear him approach until he sat down next to her on the stone pillar. She looked up at him and smiled as she saw the bald head and prominent jawline of her beloved apostate. 

"Find anything interesting?" she inquired 

"The stonework is fascinating, as you would expect from dwarves. These tombs are very ancient, and the runes or magic it would have taken to lock the demons in the stone as part of the puzzle? _Incredible!_ " 

Ellana smiled happily at Solas' excitement. She twisted herself onto the length of the pillar, laying at a right angle to Solas, with her head resting on his lap. His hand brushed through her hair absent mindedly.

"I understand why it's called the Hissing Wastes, but whoever named it missed the utter beauty of this place" Ellana sighed. "The moon, so close and bright, the vast sand dunes for miles, the ancient ruins poking up through the sand in places, it is so serene and ancient and beautiful" she stared out across the expanse in front of her. 

Solas smiled at her views, appreciating her acknowledgement in the beauty of such simplicity. 

"I agree, Da'len. It is quite beautiful" 

"I am sad we had to kill the dragon. It was sleeping, and out here, it would cause no one harm. I'd even managed to convince Bull that we should let it be and sneak around it. But I guess it is not our fault if it woke and attacked us. And Bull was just so excited when it did. I just wish we could have let it sleep peacefully" 

"Only you would see peacefulness in the sleeping form of something so powerful as a dragon" he chuckled. 

Ellana remained silent for a minute before she spoke again.

"Thank you, Solas" 

"For what, _Vhenan_?" 

"For helping me through my nightmares. They have been so much worse since Adamant, but having you there helps. I even manage occasionally, when I am utterly exhausted, to have a dreamless night when you're there, which is just so…. _blissful_." 

"You are welcome _Vhenan_ " he smiled down at her in his lap "though I have to admit, I will be quite happy to share your bed at Skyhold again instead of a sweaty tent under the sun" 

Ellana laughed, the sound light and freeing. "You and me both!" 

They sat in companionable silence for some time, relishing the cool breeze and the view under the moonlight. 

" _Vhenan_?" 

"Mhmm?" Ellana murmered in answer.

"Why me?" 

"Hm?" 

"What is it about me that draws you to me?" 

"Oh!" Ellana smiled up at him, a smile that Solas knew was only for him. "Very early on, when we first met, you were asking why spirits could not be classified as people, as if their lack of flesh would define their value. It was one of the first times since that night" he knew which night she referred to "that I had not been judged upon appearance or rumour alone. Even Cassandra and Leliana, friends though we may be now, originally judged me by my race and features, and by the mark on my hand, first condemning me then celebrating me for it. You were the first not to judge me on appearance alone, nor by rumour or by my past, much as you dislike the Dalish. You let my actions and choices speak for themselves, allowed your opinion of me to be fluid, everchanging as you grew to know me" 

She took a deep breath. 

"Aside from that, your never-ending knowledge gleamed from the fade and your travels, your wisdom in challenging situations, your solidity when I am a leaf on the wind. Your willingness to teach me. Your broad shoulders and back, so un-Dalish" she laughed a little. "Your raw power in your magic, your confidence in your actions, your staunchness in your beliefs. Your acceptance of me and my love for you, your unwavering love and passion for me. Your permission to slowly begin to see you behind your careful mask. The sadness and loneliness I see in your eyes." She sighed. "I want to erase that loneliness, console the sadness. I know that you have issues from your past, secrets, things that you keep to yourself and I respect that. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to see you happy, free from whatever it is that burdens you. I will never push you to let me in until you are ready, but know that I will be here, ready to help you in any way I can, and help drown out that sorrow, when you do." 

Solas said nothing as Ellana finished, staring out at the moon over the sands. His hand had stopped brushing her her and instead his thumb and fore-finger caressed her left ear, down her neck and massaging into her shoulder. Ellana did not need him to speak, feeling from his actions his overwhelming gratitude toward her, though she could tell from the grimace on his face that he felt he did not deserve her. She could see the sadness prominent in his eyes as he stared. 

She pushed herself up from his lap, scooting herself towards him so that they were almost chest-to-chest, before taking hold of his chin and guiding his face towards hers. His eyes met hers, and then she kissed him, slowly, passionately, allowing him to feel the love she gave him. He responded after a second, pulling his arm around her tight and taking her face in his other hand, tilting her head slightly to allow his tongue access. 

She leaned back, breathless, before stating matter-of-factly " _Ar lath ma, Vhenan_. You are an amazing man, Solas. I know you are used to being alone, wandering the world and the fade, keeping to yourself. But if you would allow it, I would join you on your path, keep you company, explore ancient ruins and battlefields both in and out of the fade with you, if you would have me. Once the Inquisition has no need of us, I have no home to go to. The Inquisition, Skyhold - they have become my home. You have become my home. You know that whatever it is that is in your past, I do not care - you could be the descendent of _Fen'Harel_ himself and I would still love you. Nobody has ever seen me the way you do. I just wish that you would understand that I am not leaving you - whilst I am alive, you will never need to be alone" 

Solas' eyes had narrowed at the end, and Ellana thought she had struck a nerve regarding his fear, dying alone. 

_She refers to the tombstones from the fade_ he thought, _oh if only she knew. If only I could... but no. It is too dangerous. She knows not what she is asking for. Even if I would subject her to that, there is no way of knowing she would make the transition anyway. I cannot subject her to that for my own greed. Descendent of fen'harel, ha! Like that would be possible. There never were any. Solely the original, the one and only. And he will always be alone._

"I think it shall be some time before the Inquisition has no need of it's Inquisitor" 

He looked at her, features softening. He kissed her once more, then moved backwards, starting to disentangle himself from her. 

"Shall we see what Bull and Dorian are up to?" He suggested. 

Ellana knew she had reached her limit of his comfortability regarding letting her in, but she accepted that, and his hand to rise to her feet. She was working her way into his life little by little. She would never be forceful but she had no plans to leave him, either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience with the uploading of this chapter, and also for continuing to read my work! It is greatly appreciated.
> 
> I am *hoping* to have a little smut for you next chapter :)
> 
> Elvhen from the wonderful Elvhen Lexicon by fenxshiral.  
> Ma Sa'lath - my one love
> 
> As always, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!  
> Whilst I personally suffer anxiety I do not suffer sleep paralysis, so if anybody feels that I have not described the sensation well, please let me know and I will endeavour to better portray it.


	6. That Fade-Cursed Bathtub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was in the tub. And he had walked in on her. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delays, am finding it hard to keep the creative juices flowing at the moment.
> 
> NSFW smut below, you have been warned.
> 
> My first attempt at a smutty scene, any constructive criticism is appreciated.

Whilst most of Skyhold knew of the Inquisitor's romance, neither Inquisitor nor Apostate were too open about their relationship in public. In the field, around their companions, things were different and they felt freer to be more public in their embraces. However, both felt that it would be improper for the Inquisitor to show open favouritism or to seem to be paying more attention to her relationship than to the others in the Inquisition. Even so, Solas often spent the night in the Inquisitor's quarters, at her insistence, to help her deal with the frequent nightmares and sleep paralysis, and the associated anxiety attacks that followed. Though they spent the night together, they had not yet been intimate - Solas waited patiently for Ellana to make the first move when she was comfortable, not wanting to pressure her or push her past her comfort zone. He wished to touch her, caress her, cherish her - he wanted to give her pleasure, would worship her body for hours and days if she let him. But until then he would retain his control, content to hold her at night. He was a passionate and possessive being, and he was struggling with the idea of not being able to take her as his in the ways he wished. But ever since her confession he had been afraid of overstepping the mark, pushing her beyond the point with which she was willing to go.

Late one night, Solas had quietly slunk into her quarters, curious as to why she had not sought him out as she often did in the evenings. He wondered if perhaps she had been exhausted from the days events and had fallen asleep clothed again on the top of her bed. What he found, however, was not what he expected.

She was in the tub. And he had walked in on her. _Again_.

He stood, frozen, memories of the kiss they shared after he found her like this bombarded him. Want, lust, appreciation of her fine features and curves that he could see above the waterline, covered in suds, sent blood rushing to places that he ought to ignore. Unlike the previous time, this time, Solas did not turn away, gentlemanly. He allowed himself to admire his vhenan from the shadows of the room.

Ellana made no show of recognising that he had entered, though the slightest smirk on her face gave away that she knew he was admiring. .

"Did I miss the messenger this time?" He asked

"No."

"Would you like me to leave you to bathe in peace?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Well? Are you joining me or not?"

Solas didn't answer, instead moving closer to the tub but not making any move to remove his clothes.

Ellana saw his hesitation, and with a cheeky grin, she splashed him with water, soaking his tunic.

"You'll regret that, Da'len" he teased playfully, removing his now wet tunic. His leggings and foot wrappings followed.

Ellana made no pretence of hiding from his nakedness, taking in his toned muscles and fine skin stretched over them, lean torso and hip bones that created that delicious curving towards his half-hard cock. _He was gorgeous. And that cock... long, quite thick, curving up a little..._ Ellana made no move to hide her gaze, boldly admiring him as he stepped towards the tub.

"Move forward a little, I'll come in behind you"

Ellana obliged, and Solas gracefully climbed in behind her, legs spread either side of her, chest against her back. He could not hide what else was behind her back though, and she chuckled darkly as she felt him. He sunk himself deep into the water with her, lent against the back of the tub and pulled her back to lean against him. He took his hands and began to massage her shoulders, neck, head with delicate fingers. She groaned under his touch, muscles relaxing as his deft fingers worked away at the knots and tension built up in her.

"Oh this was definitely a good idea" she mumured. Solas just smirked.

"Is that so, Da'len?" His fingers continued to knead her body, through her back now, taking in the smoothness of her flesh in the water, brushing gently over every scar, every healing cut or graze from her expeditions.

 

Ellana sunk back into his hands, leaning her full weight against his chest, allowing herself to relax completely, her bodies movements utterly at his control. His fingers were heavenly on her body, releasing weeks of tension that had knotted within her. She had intended not necessarily intended for him to catch her in the tub again, but she was not disappointed by the outcome. She could feel his hard erection pressing against her back, and could feel the beginnings of a fire being stoked deep in her belly. She allowed Solas to twist and turn her as he needed to gain access to her body to massage out the knots. But as he continued, she couldn't help but wish for his fingers to graze just a little closer, brush just a little harder. She knew, after her confession a month or so back, that he would not touch her without her permission - but she had thought that inviting him into the tub with her naked form had been invitation enough. She sighed inwardly, realising she would have to coax him to touch her the way she needed him to.

 

Solas held back with extreme control, from taking his fingers further into her body, touching places where he knew he could make her moan for him. But he would not - not until he was sure that it was what she wanted from him. Despite their relationship, the furthest they had gone in becoming physically intimate was some passionate kissing and close cuddling at night. He knew how he could be if he was allowed to let go of his control, and he would not subject her to that until she was ready - especially not after what she had dealt with previously. He knew that he would not be allowed to let the Dread Wolf even remotely out of its cage, like normally would, when it came to bedding her. She deserved gentle touches, loving caresses, to be shown that she had nothing to fear from him. Not the rough, over-passionate, possessiveness that often occurred in his previous bedroom exploits. Not that any of those exploits had happened since the fall of Arlathan, mind you. He would be all Solas - her Hah'ren, gentle and guiding. He kissed her gently on her neck, taking time to breathe in the scent of her, to press into her skin the amazement at which he felt for her. So he was shocked when she turned her head and whispered to him, seductively teasing her tongue along his ear, " _Garas, aman na'mis_ ".

 

"Touch me Solas. Tease me. I need to feel your hands on me" Ellana continued to whisper to him, nipping his lips with her teeth as he took her chin in his hand and kissed her hard, desperate, the need which he felt for her flowing out past his carefully controlled gates as Ellana took his hand from her chin and led it down the front of her body. He didn't need telling twice. His guard down, he turned her back to lean against his chest, her head forward, his mouth licking, sucking, kissing it's way down her neck and shoulders. One hand pulled her legs apart, drawing circles and patterns on her inner thigh, whilst the other slowly made it's way down her flesh, teasing and tingling as it went. Solas whispered to her in old Elvhen, words and phrases she could not understand, but the tone in which he spoke turned her flesh to liquid, the fire in her belly flaming to life. Solas gently caressed her breasts, languishing over them, rolling and pinching her nipples into hard buds as Ellana gasped at his touch. _Oh but his hands were sinful!_ After paying due attention to both breasts, Solas' right hand continued it's slow descent, leaving goosebumps in it's wake along Ellana's pale flesh, despite the warm (though rapidly cooling) water. Just as the tips of Solas' fingers reached Ellana's mound, tangling themselves in her curled hair, just within reach of the spot which ached for her touch, Solas stopped abruptly. He removed both hands from her skin, and then stood, leaving the water sloshing and Ellana blinking in confusion.  
"Come, vhenan, the water is getting colder" Solas' voice was low, almost rough.

"Is.. Is this payback for splashing you?" Ellana looked sullen, and made no move to remove herself from the tub as Solas' stepped out, drying himself with a spell before stretching out his hand to aid her.

Solas chuckled darkly "No, that will come later." He curled his fingers in a come motion, encouraging Ellana to take his hand. She did so with a huff, stepping out of the tub ungracefully, Solas drying her with the same spell before she could react, and then also removing the water from the tub with another.

"I know what you want, vhenan. And I will give it to you, do not worry. But I cannot worship you the way I want from in the tub. I need to see you, feel you, taste you…" Solas' voice was turning Ellana to a molten mess, one that would melt in his arms if he did not adhere to her needs soon.

 

Solas took Ellana in his arms, wrapping them around her, and tilting her face up to his. He kissed her softly, then leaned back, his face returned to seriousness.

"I need to you to know that you are safe with me. I will never hurt you. I will never do anything without your permission. You have complete control here, Ellana - I am guided by you."

Ellana's eyes softened at his words, and she nodded. Whilst his words were not needed, she already knew what he said without him needing to say it, his proclamation was none-the-less endearing and appreciated.

He gazed at her for a few seconds more, before the lust returned to his eyes, darkening them, and the hungry smirk returned to his face.

"Now then. Where were we…" Solas scooped her up effortlessly into his arms and carried her to the bed, depositing her against the pillows. He leant his body over hers, and proceeded to kiss her hungrily, passionately, his fingers weaving in her her, while hers wrapped around his neck and shoulders, pulling him closer to her.

Solas pulled back, leaning back on his knees, appreciating her body. Her lithe form was toned from hard work, her skin pale and flawless, despite the smattering of scars and marks from battles. The rosy flush in her cheeks, the contented smile on her face, the mess of her hair - she was just so _beautiful._ He also knew, from the way that she bit her lip, and how her eyes roamed his form, that she was similarly observing him. Solas may have been a selfish man, but he was not vain - at least, not anymore. Yet the appreciation and lust that filled her eyes as she gazed at him made him feel like the young, vain man he had once been, taking pleasure from the fact that she found him so appealing. Solas leant back forward to kiss her, lightly this time, before dragging his mouth down her neck, over her shoulders and down to her breasts. He kissed and sucked at them languidly, enjoying her squirms beneath his lips and fingers as he toyed with her. Eventually, slowly, he continued downwards, as he had in the tub, but this time did not stop. He continued to her thighs, kissing and nipping along their insides, treasuring the smell of her arousal. One of his fingers found its way back to her, lightly tracing it's way up and down her wet core, never entering her nor touching the sensitive spot where she wanted him. She sighed and groaned at her frustration, begging him to touch her as she needed to be touched.

"Patience, vhenan. I wish to worship you, adore you - I will take my time to enjoy you, every inch of you, as you deserve." His breath sent shivers down her, bucking her legs slightly under his arms.

"Please Solas, oh please… please just.. Just touch me.. I need you" She moaned at him.

She could feel his smirk against her thigh, before his finger plunged into her depths, curling and stroking the very places she needed.

"Oh…"

"Is that what you were after _ma sa'lath_? My, you are so easily pleased. I guess, you do not wish me to add this?" He teased his tongue up the top of her slit before flicking her sensitive bud.

"Oh please… please… don't stop" Ellana bucked under his ministrations. It had been so long since she had been with someone, anyone - especially someone who knew their way well around a woman's body. Her hands struggled to find purchase on the bed, gripping against the fabric of the sheets, before giving in and grabbing hold of Solas, nails scraping his scalp, digging into his shoulder. Solas groaned at her touch, hot breath tingling her.

Solas shifted his hand and entered another digit into her heat, whilst continuing to lick and suck at her wet flesh. Ellana's moans grew louder, all coherent thought pushed from her mind. She could feel the pressure building up in her core, knew she was getting close, if only he would..

Solas felt the change in her body, and sucked her clit hard, teasing and grazing it with his teeth and tongue until she fell apart underneath him. He grinned devilishly as he removed himself from her, taking time to slowly suck her juices from his fingers, before wiping his mouth with the back of her hand. Ellana was breathing hard, still coming down from the intensity of the orgasm. She felt him lean back towards her, coming in for a passionate kiss. She could taste herself on him, the tang of her juice on his lips and tongue. She greedily took all she could from his kiss, as she pushed up to meet his lips with ferocity. Solas met her kiss with fervour, whilst simultaneously moving her legs up towards her, placing them either side of his thighs, his cock hard and pressing gently against her entrance. He teased it there, giving Ellana the time to recover or to back out if she wanted. Instead, Ellana dug her heels into his ass, pushing the tip of him into her. Solas almost lost control at that first shallow thrust, her tight wet core wrapping around the head of him.

"Oh you are so ready for me, vhenan" Solas whispered, before complying with her insistent heels and thrusting into her to the hilt.

"Oh fuck.. Yes, Solas, please… harder please" Ellana's words came out as breathy groans, spurring Solas on. _Creators, but he felt so good!_

_"Nuvenan rosa’da’din in ma sule enan’ma"_ Solas moaned to her, Ellana responding by digging her heels further into his ass to bury him deeper within her. 

They revelled in the passion between them, the snug, perfect fit of the other, the hard breathing and loud moans, the digging nails and pressure of hands, the utter passion and desire that flowed through them. Ellana felt as if she would spontaneously combust at any moment; all her previous couplings had been meaningless one night stands, never had she been so passionately entwined with another individual for whom she felt so strongly. The intensity of it all almost scared her, but this was drowned out by the sea of touch and taste and pleasure. Ellana felt herself burst over the edge, her climax ripping through her body tumultuously. Solas rode out her climax before following her, spilling himself inside her before collapsing on top of her, breathing hard.

After a few moments, Solas regained himself, removing himself from her before cleaning them both and laying back down next to her, cradling her in his arms.

" _Ir abelas, vhenan_ , it has been a while for me. I am… I am a little out of practice, I fear"

Ellana looked up at him in shock. " _That_ was out of practice? Creators, that was the best sex I've ever had. If this is a poor effort for you, then by the fade I'm not ever letting you go!"

Solas chuckled and pulled her in close, holding her tight as they both fell asleep, Ellana sleeping dreamlessly for the first night in a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garas, aman na'mis - Come to me, I shall sheathe your blade. (Yes, this is the pretty elvish version of, essentially, "Stick your dick in me.")  
> ma sa'lath - my one love  
> Nuvenan rosa’da’din in ma slue enan’ma - I want to cum inside of you until I spill out of you.  
> Ir abelas, vhenan - I'm sorry, my heart
> 
> Elvhen by the wonderful Elvhen Lexicon by fenxshiral
> 
> thank you for all the lovely kudos btw! :)
> 
> ps - just to clarify, I'm not trying to follow the lines of 'solas=sex god' in this chapter, but more emphasising that Ellana has never before been with anyone who cares for her deeper than a night's tryst, or who would take the time to look after her pleasure before their own, and thus to her he is magnificent in the sack. sorry - just something i wanted to point out :)


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